recontact pops?

i've had a strange interest in trying to locate and recontact my dad today. it's felt very strange. i can see things that might have culminated in this new wont. for one, as i often tend to do, i've simply stopped being upset about any number of things that led me to cut off the relationship. that's not to say that they don't still mold my perception of him. he's got issues for sure. but i'm more resigned to them now.

maybe taking some time to grow up without dealing with him was enough. or i've just become a stronger person over the last few years regardless. i just feel like i'd be willing to at least talk to him, if he was interested.

moving away from home probably also has a lot to do with it. i feel sufficiently removed from him. i would be in better control of the relationship.

my dad has another kid. Connor was born on august 27th in like '97. (i could be totally off. i have no concept of time, and no other significant event to relate this one to.) i saw connor and his mother on the bus shortly before i left. i hadn't been in contact with them (his mom has a few of her own issues. though i think she'll be, or rather is, probably a pretty good mother). i froze. they got off before i could shake myself out of it. so i think he's also kind of been in the back of my mind from that. (i'm going to try to get in touch with her too, but my dad's trickier, being a bit of a vagrant).

it might be pretentious of me, but i think it might be good for him. in the same way that i think capital punishment is bad simply because it doesn't give the criminal a chance to mull over his actions. time to develop spiritually/intellectually, and i feel that everybody has the right to die the best person they can become in life. (that has an awfully religious air, coming from an athiest like myself. also, my father has not committed any heinous crimes. but i'm not going to get into the issues in our, and every one of his, relationships) that is to take the time to live their whole life (even if it's in a cell). to develop as completely as they can in the time that they have. feel as good or bad or whatever else they need to about their life. to in some way find closure and acceptance of who they are. i can't say he was a good father. or that i'll ever be able to see him in the typical daughter-father way, if there is such a thing, but there are good things in him. i don't want them to be wasted. and since he is my father (i have this inexplicable affinity for family), i wouldn't mind being there for him. that is, if he was willing to put some effort into himself.

and lastly, i slept way to much over most of the weekend, and not at all last night. i think this is responsible for my sharpened sense of mind today. and strange seriously contemplative stupor, rather than my usual slightly observant and unlively state of mind. hard to explain my sleeping patterns. but where i am now is optimal for me. and extremely unusual.

so today i've thought about lots of things. and this was one of them.